Hi. It’s me. I know it’s been a while. I will go ahead and give you my excuses and get those out of the way.
1. Time—> 3 energetic boys + 1 husband + life in general= zero time to write
2. Exhaustion—> both mental and physical
3. Avoidance—> ahhh, maybe now we are getting somewhere
A year ago, blogging/writing was so important to me. I took my laptop everywhere and fit it in when ever and where ever I could. It always seemed like the Lord was showing me little snippets of my life to uncover and share with the world. This was my formula for writing: go through something (bad or good), reflect on what God showed me through that experience, write about it in hopes to help others with a similar situation. Like clockwork, once a week or so, the Lord would give me something to share about somehow I had learned something awesome and become better.
Lately this is my formula:
And then it repeats. I am going to be flat out honest and say that I am not hearing from the Lord and He is not giving me all these ‘great revelations’ he has in the past. I’m praying that by ‘putting this to paper’ it will be like a math word problem– once I draw all the pictures and see all the parts, solving the answer will come together more easily.
You would think that once school started and I had 2 out of 3 kids in elementary school all day, life would get a little easier. I would be less overwhelmed and less stressed. I would have more time to do stuff that I enjoy. But for some reason it hasn’t. I have been digging deep in study leading a small group of ladies though the book of Isaiah. I am praying for a significant amount of time in the morning then off and on throughout the day. You would think those things would make me ‘in tune’ to the voice of God and all snuggled up in his love for me. I’ve been short tempered with my kids and annoyed with their grades and discipline at school. I have been feeling inadequate because I simply don’t enjoy doing some of the stuff that comes with being a stay-at-home-mom. Seriously, I have true feelings of hatred and anger towards them sometimes. I haven’t enjoyed my workouts because it always seems like someone is beating me or I am failing at something. I get jealous easy. I am struck with cynicism and negativity over almost everything. I have been angry with everyone, especially myself, tired, worn out, emotionally frazzled, and just overall not very Becca-like. Then to top it off, guilt-ridden, for feeling all of the above. So it’s this cycle that I cannot seem to quit.
Really? How many times did I just write “I” in that last paragraph? Why am I so consumed with me? Usually I can preach something to myself to snap me out of it and then share that with y’all. But not this time. So rather than coming up with some cleverly written look at how God is showing himself in my crazy life, I find it necessary to just go back to the gospel. The core message of who God is, what He did, and why we need Him. Maybe we can learn something together?
Commandment #1: You shall have no other Gods before me.
For most of my life I memorized this, saw it on a flannel board and thought “Well, I don’t worship Buddha, Satan, or even Zeus so I’m good. Check! Got this in the bag.” It wasn’t until the past few years of uncovering my own sin and what it really means to love Jesus, that I learned what this commandment really means. And just in writing this and looking up at that paragraph all about me, I am putting myself, my crap, and the opinions of others above God. You see, having an idol is not just about physically sitting down and praying to another religion’s god, it’s about what comes first in your heart. And just looking back at what has come across this page so far, I am clearly making more of other’s opinion of me as well as my own opinion of myself than of God’s opinion of me. Sadly, I can’t help it. Because of my sin nature, I am just built to be consumed with self. It’s through the process of sanctification I can appreciate the junk and hopefully become closer to Christ.
In discussing the First Commandment, Martin Luther (old dead theology dude that I really love) says:
A god means that from which we are to expect all good and to which we are to take refuge in all distress, so that to have a God is nothing else than to trust and believe Him from the [whole] heart; as I have often said that the confidence and faith of the heart alone make both God and an idol……
So, too, whoever trusts and boasts that he possesses great skill, prudence, power, favor friendship, and honor has also a god, but not this true and only God. This appears again when you notice how presumptuous, secure, and proud people are because of such possessions, and how despondent when they no longer exist or are withdrawn. Therefore I repeat that the chief explanation of this point is that to have a god is to have something in which the heart entirely trusts.
Just reading this little bit, it is clear to me that I have made way too much of myself and far too little of Christ. I have made ME an idol. I haven’t put my faith and trust in my Creator, I haven’t put Him before everything else in my life. I have been doing ‘stuff’ trying to fix me, rather than seeking God with my whole heart. My self, my friends, my kids and their abilities, training, my assumptions of others’ opinions have all become my idol. Classic textbook case of idolatry.
Which brings us back to the title and my whole reason for writing this. Why can’t I write? Is it because my heart has been selfish, approval seeking, and full of all type of rotten sin? Yes. Am I writing to please someone, to get positive comments, maybe a few shares and ‘likes’? Absolutely! If you have been following me from the beginning from this post here- God gave me a very clear calling. Speak. He didn’t say “Get lots of likes” or “Write this for _____ type of people”. His clear instruction was to speak out, share, and be transparent.
“Write what I give you not what you think others want to hear”- God.
“Yeah, but right now my heart is full of ugliness. I can’t explain that or share it.”- Me.
“I called you. I chose you. You are my beautiful, beloved daughter with whom I am well pleased. None of the ugly stuff matters. We will get through it together.”- God.
“**sigh** Okay, thanks Lord. Let’s do this.”- Me.
What’s keeping you from ‘you’? Where are you making much of yourself or others and too little of Christ? What is it that you are trying to ‘fix’?