This photo showed up in my “memories on Facebook” this week, Margarita Ball, circa 2008. I was flooded with all sorts of emotions about that time frame in my life.
Dear 28 year old Becca,
You are skinnier now than you probably ever will be for the rest of your life. Don’t get too excited or commit to your size 0’s. Joy is not found in counting every calorie of every morsel you put in your mouth. Nor will you find it by fitting into those aforementioned size 0’s.
Your identity is not found in the quantity of designer jeans you own. Worry about something other than getting the next pair that is released. Because going to the mall is not a hobby. Or at least it should’t be…
Why do you go to the gym 8-10 times/week? Surely you could find something more valuable to do with your time? How about use that time for others rather than yourself? And your little boy, Michael, he spends more awake hours with those gym childcare workers than he spends with you.
Your friendship circle will vastly change. Right now you’ve got a good little mix of mommy playgroup friends with a few college relationships you’re trying to cling to. You will cycle through many girlfriends over the next few years. You click with people fast, but as soon as they change, or you change, you decide you don’t need them anymore. Stop recycling people. It hurts. Quit fighting demons from middle school and just love people the way Jesus did, right where they are.
You are not struggling with infertility. You’ve been trying to get pregnant for 8 months and it hasn’t happened yet, and there is no reason why other than the fact that you need to get over yourself. Let go, and God will give you baby #2 when He is ready.
A year from now, you will start a battle with depression. Don’t be scared. It’s okay…medicine will help you survive for a while, and then Jesus will get you to the finish line.
Within a few years, that perfect glowing skin will show the signs of age, emotional struggles, and sleeplessness.
Your husband will fail you. You may be over the hump of the first two years, but what you haven’t learned yet is that your hope, joy, and identity is not found in your husband. He loves you, but His love is not enough. You cannot put all your eggs in his basket. He will never fill the God sized hole in your heart.
You look so sparkly now, like almost radiant. But we both know that it’s all a sham. Your beauty is mostly outward; it was spray tanned, highlighted, and painted on. All your time is spent worrying about you– your looks, your desires, and your needs. One day, that will all start to fade. Your heart will become sickened at the thought of your own self righteousness and you will instead carry the burdens of others and hurt when they hurt. This will take a toll on you. It may outwardly appear as if that sparkle has dulled, but it won’t. It is still in there, it just looks different, because Jesus wasn’t sparkly on the outside either.
You will fail your husband. He thinks of you as one way. But one day, some dark ugly skeletons will have to be brought to light. Get it out now rather than holding it in for years.
Girlfriend, you need Jesus. Like bad. I mean, I know you believe in God and that his son died for your sins, but you need the Lord. He needs to permeate your soul and pump through your veins. He needs to be the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think about at night. You need the gospel in your life. When people compliment you, you should realize that any gifts you possess are only because of the grace of God. When life gets hard, you will learn that it’s because the Lord is sanctifying you and drawing you closer to Him.
So, 28 year old Becca… I know you think you’ve got it all figured out, but I promise, you’ve got a lot to learn.
Your still clueless 35 year old self.